Halloween

People (one girl, that I told to ask me what I was for Halloween) asked me what I was for Halloween.

"Perfection." That was my costume.

That's why no one knew I was dressed up.

I "Like"

Fall ('s) Back

We have reached the time of year when things smell different. There are leaves on the ground. The trees change clothing, change skin. Haunted corn mazes and haunted mills are popping up everywhere. It’s an epidemic.

I wish a bit that I was home. I wish I was playing with the silly puppy, and talking to my dad. I like school. I like school a lot. I love the freedom that comes with no bosses, and the purpose that comes with challenging classes. But I miss the safety of family, and the ease of farm labor.

What I really want to discuss today is the Plan. You know: THAT plan. Sometimes I find myself in a literal panic about the marriage plan. Am I trying hard enough? Is that the point? Doesn’t it really come down to God’s timing? Do I have very much influence on that timing? Am I doing something wrong? Would it be wrong to take my hands off the panic wheel, and let Heavenly Father drive this bus? I could do that… I am getting more and more used to the idea of a career. I love agriculture. I LOVE agriculture. I could be very happy working with animal reproduction and nutrition until I am old and rich enough to retire. I could be THAT aunt: the rich single one who takes the kids to her ranch to play with the big dogs and fluffy sheep. I could be the lady who takes her parents of vacations. I could be the funny single one. I think I could be happy with that.

I know what Heavenly Father promised me. I know that I have so much in my future if I do what is right. The point of this discussion is whether or not I have control of the situation that I am not utilizing.

I am amazing. I am lovely and very attractive. I know these things. I know that I have an infinite amount of love to offer to a man. I’m working hard in preparation. Another difficult aspect of this situation is my growth. There is no way to measure improvement or advancement in the dating/marriage field. I want to measure SOMETHING besides weight or waist diameter. I’m just saying… the lack of measurable evidence of my betterment is frustrating.

I need to talk to my mom.

Card Sharks

Tonight Dawn had two of her mission buddies, German and Josiah, come over to play cards. Josiah had a card game he wanted to teach us. The night began at seven and ended at eleven. That is many hours of cards. It was a riot. It was amazing. It was pure comfortable hilariosity.

I’d met German before, at stadium singing. I think we exchanged five and a half words. That night he added me on Facebook, for whatever reason. We are in the same institute class, too. Tonight he was a bit shy and quiet, but having his bestie Josiah there helped him warm up. Then the fun began and rolled in the deep.

It was fun. I’m glad for college. I’m glad for opportunities to get over a silly, stubborn, selfish boy who doesn’t seem to want to grow up. What he doesn’t know that only Peter can work the Peter Pan look, and that it is downright unattractive on everyone else.

The Incredible JUMP

Horses are plain hilarious. Ohmygosh. Read the description for this photo.

"This photo was taken in May 2004 at Pimlico Race Course in Baltimore. The horse, Stephan's Angel, was not very happy being saddled for the Miss Preakness Stakes and leaped straight up in the air. She went on to finish second in the race and is now a broodmare on a farm in Kentucky."

Look at the guy on the track pony. Look at his face. "Oh, wow, that horse's head is right next to mine. When'd that happen..."

I'm the first to admit that horses scare me. I love them and want to be around them, but they frighten me. I'm not alone.

Hakuna Matata

It's real. It's always been real. Proof in the pudding.

Great Days

Loneliness is sort of a quiet thing. People can be loud in their quest for attention, I know. But, mostly, I think that loneliness is a quiet, mournful weight.

I'm just saying...

Yesterday was an amazing day. Today was great, too. I've kinda tried to figure out why, and all I can come up with is the weather: it's been rainy and cold. I think I need to move to England. I would thrive there, a regular English rose.

I feel hopeful. I feel prime. Always, always, the prime. It sometimes gets frustrating, to feel this lovely without anyone else knowing, but I feel good.

I feel a bit fat this week. And ugly. It frightens me when this happens, because mostly, I feel amazing and prime. I don't understand why this happens, but I don't like it.

I hope I get me back. I hope I can like myself again.