I just read a woman's blog post about how she was recently diagnosed with something that may prevent her from easily conceiving. After reading the symptoms of this disease, I freaked out. OH MY GOSH, I may have this... not that it matters this day, or this month, or even,probably, this year. Still, I mourn for this woman. All she and her husband want is to share their lives with a baby, another child of God. The beauty of this... I feel like this is what I want for myself too. I want to share my life with my family. P.S, I'm a genetics freak, meaning I love how genetics combine in order to give her these traits, and him those. How will my genes combine with my husband's? How amazing will my children be? Really amazing, I'm sure. The fear still hangs around. Fear is a living thing, I'm sure of it. How else does it crawl into one's thoughts like a rat into a room? How else does it know when to strike like a predator? I dunno... I will defeat this fear,though. This animal will not eat me.
Today, I am grateful that my wisdom teeth were violently ripped from my mouth yesterday, and that my cousin Deidra is babysitting me. I drooled more yesterday than I have in months. But, despite the constantly wet chin, and Angela Lansbury-size-cheeks, I am grateful that I am being babysat. It is nice to have someone check in on you. Life is good: Gooder than good.
I had a weird night on Friday. I got all dressed up for a work dinner, for I am totally crushing on this boy from work: he didn't even go. Then, a couple of us went to someone's house to play Doodle Dice. The boy from work was called up and invited. He brought a girl. It was a weird night on Friday. I got home and was a bit upset, and yet... not upset. All I wanted was to go the the Temple. I wanted to go and sit in the Temple for a couple of hours. As it was 11:45 at night, the Temple would not be open, but I planned to go the next morning. Usually, I get really frustrated at the temple on Saturday mornings: it is busier than busy, and full of talkative girl, or back-rubbing couples. This Saturday, however, I woke up really early and went up to El Templo. It took about three hours for me to get all the way through, but it was amazing: I never got anxious, angry, or frustrated. I was just happy to be there, and happy to be happy. YAYAY. I went to the temple. Someday, I will go there again, this time with another intent. Someday I will go there to receive my endowments. Someday, this will happen. I am so, so excited for this day to happen.
Nope. No dates yet. Though, last night, I did have this game night with some co-workers, and the guy I'm crushing on was there. Unfortunately, he brought a friend, this friend being of the female persuasion. I have had some fun times here though. We went to this bonfire, but the drive was more fun. The drive was very fun. First of all, the driver was this Alabamian with an accent so thick I thought he was faking it. Second of all, he said things like, "Ahm pleased you feel that way." He hated that the was a bit of a hick: when we say a dead deer on the side of the road, we started talking about why people would thing like deer. Kyle, the boy, said, "squirrel meat's my favorite..... ah shouldna said thaaaat." We went to a dance the next week out at the dunes. That was great fun- an outdoor dance, with many, many excited, happy people. Things were good. Last Saturday, I went to the caves to play glow-in-the-dark tag. The climb to and from the 'tag scene' took twenty minutes each way, not including the twenty minute-long car ride, and twenty minute- long truck four-wheeling that it took to get there. It was great fun though. I love spelunking. I love bouldering. I even like the dark. My classes are fantistico. I have a teacher who looks like the villain from the John Wayne movie "Cowboys." I have Animal Handling, Agricultural Orientation, Intro to Soils, Soils Lab, Math 108, and Book of Mormon. I loove them all. I've been struggling too. I've been struggling a lot. But, I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have been fighting my ego for power,and trying not to hurt others. I am working on erasing my sense of entitlement and increasing my Spirit of Gratitude. I am trying to be fair in my house work, and honest at work. I haven't ditched very much AT ALL this semester. I plan on continuing this positive trend. In review, I see that I am happy. I like what I got to do: I hate that I was stuck in a heavy darkness for a while, and this darkness comes back once in a while, but the light shines every morning, and the clouds burn off. I've begun half-hour scripture study every morning. It is amazing. I'm happy. I'm happy. I still wish for this hairstyle, or hoping for that man, but all in all, I have faith in what is real and what will anchor me. Love, Toria
Today I received three disturbing messages on my phone and email. I was told to callcallcallhomeplease! I called home, and asked after what the emergency was. History: Last week, we were assigned in my previously mentioned Middle East class to write a personal letter to someone about something we learned in the class. I wrote a relative of mine about how much I love and admire these people. I included the letter for you to read, for I am awfully proud of it.
"One of the many classes that I took this semester was, “Middle East: Roots of Conflict.” I had started this class withmild interest in this subject, but coming out of it, I am full of love and enormous curiosity about this culturally and racially diverse land. Someday I want to go there and live with these people- I have so much I can learn from them, and I think that I could share myself with them, to their benefit. One of the most important things I learned in this class was when I learned about Muslims, Islam being the most predominant religion of this area. Let me share some of my recently acquired information with you about this religion, its history, and it’s followers.
Do you remember the stories about Father Abraham? Do you remember how Abraham and God made a covenant, or two-way promise? Abraham was promised to always have the Priesthood: that he would have numberless posterity: and that he would be prosperous. Abraham’s seed, or children received this promise through him, which seed you and I are because of our heritage. There is another chapter, or volume as the case may be, to this story. Abraham had Isaac, who we learn and speak about the most often, but Abraham had another son, Ishmael. What we don’t know is that Ishmael received some of the same blessings from God, because he, too, was a son of Abraham. Genisis 17:20 says, ““And as for Ishmael, I have heard thee: Behold, I have blessed him, and will make him fruitful, and will multiply him exceedingly; twelve princes shall he beget, and I will make him a great nation.” This is God speaking to Abraham, and answering his prayer for Ishmael. It is from Ishmael and his twelve sons that the Arabic nations arose. Ishmael and his mother resided near what would soon become Mecca, a holy city for Islam.
Let me clear up a few things, a few things that were entirely new information for me three months ago. Islam is the religion and Muslims are the people who practice Islam, just as you practice Christianity and are a Christian. Arab is just a racial term- there are many Christian Arabs in the Middle East.
Relative's name insertied, Islam is a beautiful religion. Many who practice this religion are amazingly devout, charitable, kind people. They are called to prayer five times a day. I love the thought of praying to my Heavenly Father formally five times a day. Here is an excerpt from the call to prayer, which is played throughout the cities five times daily. “Allah is the greatest. I bear witness that there is no lord except Allah. Make haste towards prayer.Make haste towards success. Allah is greatest, there is no lord except Allah.”Allah is just the name of God to Muslims. They are monotheistic, which meant that they believe in only one god, just like you and I believe in only one god. Make haste towards prayer- isn’t this amazing? Sometimes, I meander and drag my feet towards prayer, and these people are encouraged to make haste towards prayer. I think that there is so much to learn from this.
Thank you for forever supporting me in my life. I hope that this short letter has opened your eyes a little bit about the Middle East, and Muslims. I know that there is so much negative information about Muslims in the media, but the average Muslim is no more inclined to commit violent acts than you or I am. Please look for the good in these people, for there is so much good to find. I feel a kinship with them, and if they are my kin, they must be yours too. I love these people, and I hope that we as a family and we as Americans can find it in ourselves to love them evermore.
Love,
Victoria
Well, I called home this morning. The emergency was this: my relative had interpreted from my letter that I was converting to Islam, the religion of Muslims. This relative thought that I was going to move to Egypt and become a fully-fledged follower of Islam, complete with the veil of modesty and everything.
My first thought was, "Really? Did I say that?" Then I just laughed and laughed. I think that it is hilarious that people thought I was going to convert. I think it is funny that someone thought I was going to move to Egypt TODAY!! This relative was frantic, worrying about my whereabouts, and my religious choices. I think that this is the most hilarious thing ever.
Guys, if I ever convert to Islam, I will not ask permission, but I will most definitely tell you first. I will invite you all to the new truth, and convince you of it's worthiness.
I am so tired. Tonight, I am going to a juice party, something similar to a tupperware party, or a Mary Kay party. A woman is going to give me juice in attempt to advertise her product. Little does she know that I am a poor, poor college student.
Tonight, I went for a workout at the Hart gym. There, I did some cycling, elliptical, and muscle toning. There are a ton of great workout machines there! I love working out so much. The hard part of working out is getting to the gym- once I am there, I am happy to spend a couple of hours working out. I love it there.
Sometimes, sweating feels like the cleanest thing ever. I am happiest and the most clear-minded when my muscles are shaking with fatigue, my face wet with perspiration. I love coming home and nearly being too sore to lift my fishy loofa.
Yesterday, I went to all of my classes. Last night I cried. This morning, I made some money. Today, I got a boy's number. This evening, I worked out. Now, I am wearing some new upper underwear, and planning on doing homework. It has been a very productive twenty four hours.
Perhaps I will post pictures of my rock-hard thighs, but it is one of those things where you have to be there. You might have to wait to feel my herculean musculature until this summer.
P.S- Anne of Green Gables was on at the gym. I watched Diana get drunk while bicycling in place. Oh, good times.
A few weeks ago, Emily, Debra, Debra's boyfriend, Mike, and some of Mike's room mates went to Eugene lake. The deepest part of the lake is about four feet, and it stays around this depth the whole time. Though there wasn't much swimming going on, there was a lot of wading, and exploring. I threw rocks, and Debra picked up logs. We all got a little bit burned, but it was well worth it.
The whole time we played at the lake, I wished and yearned for a horse to ride around in the water. I would love it- really, the water never got deep. I could ride and ride, and swim and float all day long. Let me get roasted-toasted! I careth not!
I miss horses.
Three weeks until school is over. Then I can scratch Splash's rump and feed him my watermelon rinds. Oh, summer.
My roommate Emily and I frequently go on dates. Usually, our dates take place in the nearby park, Porter Park. It was in this park that we watched the intense lightning last night. It is in this park that we swing and play games like "would you rather?", and "Truth or dare." (pick truth) Last time we went, Emily took her amazing camera, and I took pictures of us, and of myself. Here are some of them. True documentation that I actually live, and that I have a room mate.
The sun was low, and everything seemed gilded. Oh, the beauty of this earth. Oh, the beauty of the skies. Oh, the beauty of the eyes my grandmother gave me.
There is this boy in my class- accounting, again- who is very anti-California. He wants to fight about it, and when I defend my home, he laughs and wonders aloud why I am getting excited. He calls me a hippie, and then sings to himself a song about how all hippies should be put on an island with all of the 'queers'. Because I am California, I must be a hippie.
I asked him if he had ever gone to California, and he said "yes, but I try to avoid it." I asked where in California he had been, whether it was San Francisco or L.A., because surely that would explain his misconceptions. He had only been to Los Angeles. Loser. I love how sure he is that every Californian is a hippie. He has not idea that we in CA feed half of the world. He has no idea that we have troubles with hippies there- as if they had ANY problems with hippies in Utah, where this dummy is from. He has no idea that we need water from the Delta, but cannot get it because of the Delta Smelt, a fish that is 'endangered'.
He says I must smoke the "happy weed", a conclusion he reached when he learned that I am Californian. I concluded that he must smoke cow crap because he is from Utah. I said 'yes. I do smoke weed. The word of wisdom means nothing to me. I am excluded because I am from California." This is not only a place of learning, but a magnet for closed-minded fools. Poor souls who will never learn to accept other people, and people who bring truth and light to the term "Utahrds." This boy wins them all: he creates these stereotypes on all sides of the spectrum.
Thank you John, from Utah. Thank you for proving every anti-Utah Californian right. Thank you.
Last night I took a math test. I got a really low score. I would not be upset, but I knew the material. I knew the stuff. I am so disappointed. I am struggling in this class, and I am so tired. I have a really hard time focusing, or even caring about school. In the meantime, I've gotten four lectures about how I only pay a third of what school normally costs. Guess who pays the other two-thirds? The little ol' tithepayers of Mexico and Cambodia. (everywhere else too, but these are the impoverished countries that are used as examples.) I know that they do this, and this knowledge makes me want to vomit, I am so guilty. I am just the rich American who can't do work to save her life. I have always thought that I was a good worker, and maybe I am when it comes to manual labor, but I cannot make myself work harder. This is so difficult.
The faith thing is hard. I don't fell worthy of anything, I fell judgemental all of the time, and disappointed in myself. Usually I love life, but right now things are difficult.
I noticed my roommate had a hickey, and she has been with her boyfriend for two weeks. Two weeks. She acted embarrassed, but the embarrassment was because I was freaked out, not that she had done it. She kept asking, "do you think I am a skank? Do you think I am a slut?" I didn't then, but now I am a little freaked out. How far are you allowed to go as boyfriend and girlfriend? I asked her if they had talked about when they would stop, where they would draw the line. She said that she was quite sure that he would not try anything, and that the two of them were going to be able to stop. I'm not so sure. No one is that good. No one is that level-headed. I hope she doesn't read this post because she will think I am calling her a woman-of-ill-repute. I don't know. She asked what I was thinking, and I really didn't know what I was thinking. Did she want my approval? Did she want a lecture? Did she want me to clap her on the back and say "hit it guuurl.."?
As I sit here in Agricultural Accounting, I think about how much I would rather be in my Middle East Class.
I do love my teacher for this class, this man who looks like the man from Up. ("MR. FREDRICKSON! I found the snipe! Are snipes big? Are they colorful? Do they like chocolate?")
I don't like how the language of accounting is something completely skewed from normal language. Since when did 'gross' mean whole instead of large? Why is credit sometimes addition and sometimes subtraction?
Brother Anderson, my teachy, said that there were some monks who developed this system. I would like to find these monks and question them,politely, about whythehecktheywouldstinkindevelopsuchasystem! I think that I would like to live in a monastery though... the shaved heads, the comfy robes, the mood music...
As I sit here in Agricultural Accounting, I think about how much I would rather be in a Chinese Monastery.
I just spent five years doing math. Ok, not really, only five hours last night, but when something like math seeps into your dreams, you know you've done too much of it. I went from factoring polynomials to graphing 3 -23. Do you wanna know a secret? I liked doing this math... my eyes did get a bit fuzzy during the second hour, but I figured that to be the start-of-the-run-fatigue- I needed to get into the night a bit more to really get into the groove. Also, I had been fasting during this math-a-thon, so sometimes, I had an easier time understanding the problems. At one point, I had to do something where a blind guess is the next step. I was thinking, thinking, and the I knew! I thought to myself, "haha, maybe I should fast everytime I do homework." Maybe I should... I did so like doing the math last night, even though I may get a poor grade in this class. I liked this night of math. Area of a cylinder= A(area)B(base)H(height). Now you know.
Friday, June 11, 2010
I've come to the decision that I will no longer sit by and wait. I am going to talk to whomever I want to talk to. I am tired of waiting for people to say hello. I bombard them with greetings of my own. No longer will I avoid eye-contact. It's time to laugh at those who will not look at me, and it is time to laugh when something funny happens- from a squirrel inviting me to a staring contest to hearing a boy say "so is it done then? The spawning and all that?" Today I was the big one and said hello to someone who I had been feuding with. I said hello to the man-child who had forced his way into my apartment and yelled at me, all in the name of "crush/infatuation/sex appeal." I said hello to him, and asked after him. I don't know how I felt about that, but I knew that I needed to forgive and forget, if only for my own sake. Curiouser and curiouser... No more waiting. When I exercise physically, I hurt. It is time to leap out of my comfort zone into the zone of the unknown- my faith muscles have been a bit flabby. Time to strengthen them. Time to work. Much love, Victoria
Much as I have been opposed to blogs, I have realized that they are sometimes the only connection that I have to cousins, sisters-in-law, horrible cakes, missions, and mothers. A person needs a connection to good, especially in a place where all connections are seen as dull, conforming tidbits. Maybe you want to read my blog; maybe you don't. The point is that I am blogging, and I'm excited about it. I guess it show you how very easily hate is turned to love... Tori is Tori will be Tori thinks Tori wonders Tori lives
