Last night I took a math test. I got a really low score. I would not be upset, but I knew the material. I knew the stuff. I am so disappointed. I am struggling in this class, and I am so tired. I have a really hard time focusing, or even caring about school. In the meantime, I've gotten four lectures about how I only pay a third of what school normally costs. Guess who pays the other two-thirds? The little ol' tithepayers of Mexico and Cambodia. (everywhere else too, but these are the impoverished countries that are used as examples.) I know that they do this, and this knowledge makes me want to vomit, I am so guilty. I am just the rich American who can't do work to save her life. I have always thought that I was a good worker, and maybe I am when it comes to manual labor, but I cannot make myself work harder. This is so difficult.
The faith thing is hard. I don't fell worthy of anything, I fell judgemental all of the time, and disappointed in myself. Usually I love life, but right now things are difficult.
I noticed my roommate had a hickey, and she has been with her boyfriend for two weeks. Two weeks. She acted embarrassed, but the embarrassment was because I was freaked out, not that she had done it. She kept asking, "do you think I am a skank? Do you think I am a slut?" I didn't then, but now I am a little freaked out. How far are you allowed to go as boyfriend and girlfriend? I asked her if they had talked about when they would stop, where they would draw the line. She said that she was quite sure that he would not try anything, and that the two of them were going to be able to stop. I'm not so sure. No one is that good. No one is that level-headed. I hope she doesn't read this post because she will think I am calling her a woman-of-ill-repute. I don't know. She asked what I was thinking, and I really didn't know what I was thinking. Did she want my approval? Did she want a lecture? Did she want me to clap her on the back and say "hit it guuurl.."?
I am disappointed. I am worried.
Something has gotta give.
I had a roommate who came home frequently having done far worse things than a hickey (though, yes, at the beginning of the year they started as little things like that). She would rarely out-and-out tell me what she did, but I could figure it out. I learned that acting dramatic about it didn't really help with her because no matter what I said if she wanted to do something she would. For us I think what finally did the trick was just that I loved her. I stayer her friend--happy, positive, fun friend--no matter what she was doing. Did I hang out with her and this guy? No. I did NOT like the guy even before they started dating. But my friend and I stayed close. She would come home and break down a couple of times about what she'd done and I'd help her get an appointment set up with the Bishop, or whatever she needed...both mostly she just needed a friend who set an example but didn't judge. I never condoned her actions but I did have to stop freaking out otherwise I'd loose her as a friend (always pray though) and not only did I feel she needed me, but I definitely needed her.
ReplyDeleteAnd I may or may not have gotten a hickey when dating a certain brother of yours. I'm not condoning it--at all--it was wrong. But it happens and we learn from our mistakes. Hopefully you're friend will stop where she's at and all will be well. If not, there's nothing you can do but pray and still be her friend. After all, I think it's pretty great to have a person like Tori Barros as a friend.
Love you!
I've realized I should probably tell you, too, that my roommate is now married in the temple and doing fine...
ReplyDelete