Comfort and Joy

These are things I pray for right now, because all I'm feeling is loss, and sorrow, and pain. I told him. Andrew. I told him that I had tender feelings towards him. I told him that sometimes I can't answer his, "What are you thinking" question, because my thoughts are sad... "I'm more than good enough. I don't really like that girl who you write...I'll learn Spanish for you.... I want to be yours..." I told him all of this last night.

He is so amazing. He is one of my best friends. When he said he could spend an hour telling me all the things he loves about me, I love.... But then he says, "I don't have romantic feelings about you... I tell you things I don't tell anyone. I trust you... you make me trust you." He and his best friend haven't talked at all in a while. Then he found this girl, and she went on a mission. He was alone. I help him, I fill that.

I told him that nobody likes to be a place-holder. He says I don't replace them, I'm different. I can appreciate that he never said words like, "attracted..." but ... is that what it comes down to?

I feel like I've lost. I feel lost. Why won't my chest stop shaking?

I've lost.

He talked to me all day. We went to devotional together, but then I had to walk away. I walked away from him with a goodbye thrown over my shoulder. What now? We talked on the phone after he dropped me off. We talk and talk. Why is he my friend?

My chest is shaking. I'm shaking. The happy, relieving adrenaline from last night has worn off. I told him I wasn't sad. I told him I might cry, but this morning I told him that, "YAY! I'm so proud of myself. I didn't cry." Now I can't stop. I lost. I put all the cards on the table and lost. Now I'm in debt, or something.

What do I do, God? Please, answer. Please. What do I do? I'm good enough, right? I am a victory, a trophy, a prize. I am Victoria. And still, I have lost. The winner takes it all, Taiwan, a mission, the boy. The loser stands small. Small, but big, with a red, wet face, and loud words.

On the bright side, I have a C- in chemistry. I used to have a D. Thank God. My life can continue, I guess.