I am weary, let me rest

Sometimes, in some ways, I feel like damaged merchandise. 75% off. Everything must go!


All night I dreamed and woke up and dreamed and woke up because of my Feeds and Nutrition. I dreamed I was studying. It wasn't terrible or stressful, just funny and odd. Then I dreamed that there was a ward party, and Andrew was going to be there, with some old lady. I searched and searched, anxious, and then found her. Just as I was about to find out where he was, my roommate's alarm went off. It was six am. The half-awake me was furious, then was crying.

I almost found him.

I think that I am not going to get over this as easily as I thought I would. I wrote the letter because I felt prompted to. Twice. In religious meetings, the places that one would receive inspirations. Twice. I wasn't going to rationalize my way out of that twice.

Then, I realized that I wasn't doing what I needed to in order to forgive. I knew I needed to forgive. I realized that I needed to pray for him in order to forgive, and I had been refusing to pray for him because you love those whom you pray for, and I refusedrefusedrefused to love him again. I refused to love him or think kind things about him. But that isn't the point. I have to love him as a child of God. I need to have faith that this love will not hurt me or make me vulnerable.

So I prayed for him.

I think this is going to be a really long process. I realize more and more about what I am feeling though, with each and every day. Tyrell said that when two people have such a deep emotional connection that their looks don't matter. He said that he honestly believed there was no way Andrew was not attracted to me when we were so close. I felt the truth of that, and then felt the truth of this meaning that he had made a distinct choice to not have me.

What a silly boy. Triple sad face. This is really going to take a while. I feel somewhat sensitive ans susceptible to thoughts of him, angry, loathing, longing, disgust. They waft around in the air I breathe, almost literally.

It's a bit rough to feel so absolutely prime and appealing and lovely and intense and deep and sexy and worthy and clean and hard-working and loving. It's hard to feel these things and have to set them gently in the attic so I can focus on the less-loved school, roommates, twin-sized bed, baptisms, preparation/preparation/preparation.

But I can do it. I am doing it. I will do it. Because God knows I can, and He told me that I could even before I was born. And He told me that I could in my patriarchal blessing. And He promised me things that will come to me in my existence, if... when I do what I am supposed to do. I know I can.