Lesson Learn(ed/ing)

I have this favorite dream. There are only two characters in this dream: me, and a person of the male persuasion. All that happens in this dream is a whole lot of eye contact, and forward body language. That's it. Once the dream extended to conversation, and then embarrassed blushing due to the seeming reality of the dream, but that is all. My favorite dreams, the wishes my heart makes, are when a boy looks at me, and wants me to look at him.

Last night, my roommate invited a guy from her mission over to play cards. He and his roommate came over. And, oh goodness, the roommates and I played cards with these boys. Soon, we were all laughing (hard) and snatching cards from people, or, ripping spoons out of other people's hands.

Josiah and Keith. Those were their names. Josiah is the old mission buddy, and Keith the roommate. Well, there seemed to be a lot of eye contact amongst the laughing and card-playing. This boy, Josiah, was really easy to look at, meaning I wasn't afraid to. Maybe he wasn't afraid to either, because he would be looking at me while I reciprocated. These weren't glances, either... Oh, I'm getting embarrassed.

But, I need to tell you, so I don't have to talk about it on the phone with you. I was on a really good funny roll. I was funny last night. Josiah laughs kinda quietly. It got to the point that I knew when he was laughing hard because his eyes would close, and he would lean forward, and you couldn't hear him anymore. And, when he left, he leaned around the door to look at me and say goodbye.

There are a couple of cautions to this tale: I am totally on my period. I am sensitive, moody, sad, anxious, man-hungry, impatient, and without hope. Also, when the boys left, another roommate started telling us about her night, and at a pause, I said/exclaimed, "Josiah is so great."

Shouldn'a done this. Kelli later turned to Dawn, my RM roommate, and said, Josiah was cute. Do you think so Dawn?" Dawn said that yes, she did think he was attractive. I felt myself swallow something. Something that had not been in my mouth. I turned to Dawn, smiled, and said, "you should go for that." And then proceeded to convince her that I fall for three guys a week, it didn't matter that I thought he was a little cute.

But I feel a little sick. Maybe he was looking at me with such ease because he wanted to look at Dawn, but couldn't. Maybe I was just the funny one. Maybe something else. How am I ever going to know? I apologized for flirting so much, and Dawn told me to not worry about it. She is so kind, and good, and nice.

I never knew that I would have to learn this lesson through personal experience: The lesson of falling for the guy that your roommate has prior claim to. I thought I could observe this and get on with life. What now?

Here's what really kills me about dreams. I wake up from the sweetest thing I have ever known, and then am haunted all day by the life I lived in my dreams. The I forget the boy's face, and the feeling fades. But, this really happened. I really spent three hours with this person, staring, glancing, laughing, competing. What now?

Disappointment. Breaking. Resentful. Sad.