Whispered Gushes

Here's a funny photo. It has nothing to do with my post. It's meant to bolster you before my.... words. Hehe

As we got closer and closer to Rexburg, I felt myself leaning forward, One word repeating over and over in my head, each so close to the next and last it was like they'd sewn their tails and ears together. Each came out of my sub-conscience in whispered gushes. Like I was bleeding that word or something. I was bleeding.
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I didn't even summon that word, it just came to me. It's things like that which confuse me. I had a pretty wonderful and horrible weekend. Sunday, I had to get up an leave relief society because I was starting to cry, and Kit kept looking at me like I was a freak. I was a freak, but not one for her viewing pleasure. I'm not in the circus yet.

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I am now twenty. Twenty feels greatly different than nineteen. I feel so different. There is so much that I've learned. At one point, I was praying that I might change. I prayed that I might run past this trial. God is real. I know this to be truetruetrue, because, even after my anger and bitter thoughts, the Spirit whispers truths to me. Why? Why do I get to have blessings even aster yelling and shaking my sorrowful, weak, despairing fist at the sky?

Why, I asked, am I meant to love this much for it to come to naught? "How do you know you love him," they asked. "Because I want to serve him all of the time. I want to give him everything. He only needs to ask."

He really only needs to ask. But he's too friendly for that kind of request.

What will I learn from this? I'll learn that I have an enormous capacity for love. I'll learn that God has a better plan. I'll learn that I can step away from something that I want in order to move towards a better path. I'll learn patience. I'll learn respect for self, this woman who is part God, who is lovely, and full of an entire life of love and learning and experience. I'll learn how to turn my burdens to the Lord. I'll learn how much power love has. I'll learn that I have to pray for the someday when this hurting leaves me. I'll learn that I can absolutely hate an idea but live for that idea to become truth. I'll learn more about life.
None of these things sound as nice as the alternative. But Heavenly Father is so real, He is so there for me. I'm confused by the hope I sometimes feel. Aren't those mixed signals?

I'm growing. I thought I was ready three months ago. Now I'm so much older, so much stronger, so much more experienced. Three months after today may seem a century away, but I will make it there with an entire lifetime under my belt.

Bring it on, life. I'm ready. God's given me a seatbelt. The bleeding will stop. God promised that it would...