Twist and Shout

So..... Long story short, Andrew and I once again found ourselves in his car, talking about things. This time, I was a bit yelling.It was the most loud, clean thinking I've had about him in a while. I really, really, laid it all on the table. I wasn't really yelling at him, the whole time, just kinda .... speaking with vehemence.

It was the most completely honest conversation I'd ever had with him: the time when I said everything. It was the most hopeful conversation I'd ever had. At one point, I had a very clear thought. "Andrew. Obviously we are both trying to be happy. We have tried to take different pathways to happy. We've been friends, which is difficult for me. We've done the whole not talking to each other thing. We both hate that. .. Let's try something else. Let's try... Ask me on a date, Andrew."

At one point, I laughed. "I feel so good. These past two weeks, I've felt ugly very often. but now, in your car, arguing with you, I feel beautiful. I feel amazing. I've hated myself, and here, I am lovely. I AM lovely. I am a sex goddess, a beast, beautiful. Andrew... that is very curious to me. I hate it: I want to feel good when I'm away from you too. But here I am, with wet hair in my jammies, and I love how I feel about myself."

Sometimes, oftimes, he doesn't talk, so I don't really know what he thought about that. I wonder what that made him think.

I think that maybe scared him, but I was full of the most shining confidence. Let's try. I could do anything. I could fly. He seemed wary. Then what, he asked. Well, then I wouldn't be afraid of calling him every day. Then I wouldn't be afraid of talking to him all day. He says his heart isn't his, and he doesn't know how to or if he wants to get it back. He doesn't know!! Well, I smacked him.

We both have parts of each other, can we agree on that, I asked. Well, he agrees.

More discussion. More confidence and highstrung-ed-ness from me. Basically, we agreed to think about it. He promised he would think about it. I told him that maybe he should make a list of signs that maybe this is more than friendship. At one point, he laughed at something I said, and he said, "Wow. I'm laughing. You make me laugh. Our senses of humor work well together." I smacked him and told him that maybe that was one of those signs.

He dropped me off. I said that I believed in his power to take his heart back. He rolled his eyes, and I said that I guess I have that power too. He promised to think about it. I still have that to hold on to like it is the golden rod of my life's plan. This morning, I was praying, and laughed, because I didn't know what to pray for. "I have no idea what I want. I have no idea what to ask for when it comes to this." Thy will, I said. That's all I want. I want to want Thy will.

Absolute thrill. Absolute hope. Gaiety.